Diffused . ... .

we all are alive

we all are in love

we all strive for life

we all fight battles

we all win

we all loose

we all give up

we all die

basically we all are diffused

Thats my new art work . .. DIFFUSION . . . .

LOVE . . . . . hmmmmmmm

I was listening to the best music ever made till date today evening. A. R. Rehman’s music for the film WATER. It is outstanding and scintillating. I was moved to tears just with the quality of the inherent embodiment of love in his music. If true art had another name it would be Rehman! I was just lost at the mystic power that set the undertone for his compositional style and excellence. He is definitely a miracle and his mind is an industry par excellence. An institution himself, rehman strums the melodies by pulling the strings of your heart.

Lost in his music, I was just wondering about some issues. I was highly prejudiced against infatuations like Love at First sight and all that. I was always a believer of head over heart kind a guy. But now I totally dismiss my theory and respect that virtue that is a blessing only few retain. In spite of all the hardships that you encounter and all the meaninglessness you derive out of love, you still unknowingly give away your self to someone you just saw once.

You begin to feel you have known that person since ages and you also realize that love and god are nothing but one; when you are around this person. You unknowingly shed tears in his memory and unknowingly smile all the time. The sky invites you to take a flight and the cool breeze gives you a sense of bliss. You are mesmerized by just a thought of that person and your body craves to seek his closeness. A hug or just a few seconds of togetherness, you feel like you are a part of this amazing poetry the author, title and subject of which is unknown.

What else . . . . . if you even respect that person . . .. Then three is nothing else that can make it more beautiful. Your love now becomes devotion and that devotion is a virtue that can cleanse you and your soul. This is nothing but the experience of love that is true and that is beyond the inhibitions of time and space.

Fantastic Day

Today has been specifically a great day because of two main things.

1. I saw this amazing film called HONEY MOON EXPRESS. A tremondously creative narration with the most immaculative performances. Love and its different perspectives are symbolically hihglighted very beautifully. Shabana Azmi, Boman Irani and Sandhya Mrudul rock. Outstandingly meaningful and exhuberant. I am completely Bowled. I am just glad that Indian Cinema is evolving day by day.

2. The most important reason is that I met somebody very special. I cannot stop appreciating people who value principles and who still believe in being gentle and genuine. In this highly mechanical life where everybody is running behind money and sex . . . . . here emerged a super special being who is breaking his head over rising funds for charity. Gosh . .when you meet such people occasionally you are reminded and forced to believe that there is some goodness left in this world and God exists . . . ofcourse within these people. I havent come across such sincerity, values, generosity, good heartedness and genuine nature in any human being in the recent past.

Kudos to you dude!

P.S. I will be surely besides you for anything that you do and will be there for you as a helping hand. What I can do in my limits i will do without thinking twice.

Keep up the good work and keep smiling .. because this world needs people like you.

Sunday Concert

My concert today went pretty well at Vijaynagar Sangeeth Sabha . .

Here is the list :

1. Natakurunji Varnam
2. Vinayaka ninnu – Hamsadhwani – adi – Veena Kuppiyer
3. Raaga Sudhaa Rasa – Aandholika – Adi – Tyagaraja (raaga)
4. Purvi kalyani raga
5. Jnana mosagarada – roopaka – tyaagaraja – (nireval swara at paramaatmudu jeevatmudu)
6. Ekamresha Nayike – Karnataka Shuddha Saveri – Dikshitar
7. Todi Raaga
8. Gajavadana – Adi – Kumara Ettiyendra – (nireval swara at Vasudha)
9. tani
10. Devara namas (a host of them) – ugabhoga in kapi and sindhu bhairavi
11. Vasanta Tillana
12. Mangalam

Capturing Moments

Saturday and Fun again in Bangalore . ..

I took some pictures of Archana (mah best boy friend!!!) at her house before leaving for our outing. She was getting ready at her table and i just sneaked in and encouraged her for some make up. she was sweet enough to try every makeup trick that i asked her to do . . and awesome results . . . the chinky aunty from my previous blog now looks like this . .!!!!!!

Next two pictures are the ones Archana clicked when i was almost in orgasmic ecstacy and silence when i enjoyed this wonderful cheese cake . . . . full of cheese, jam and cookies . . yummmmmmmmmy to the core . . . .

Love Song

Traveling again . . . . My mind just takes impossible fleets during traveling. Just the movements of visuals make traveling such a wonderful and dramatic for an experience. I must confess, the best of thoughts and creative inputs come to me while traveling. Traveling feels spiritual, deep and inspirational.

I sat next to the window watching a fire in the darkness form the moving train. The soft wind spoke to my ears and at a distance of my imaginary universe I saw something magical. I scribbled it down on my notepad even before I realized I had done it.

So here it is, the scribbled memoir of a train dream..

They look into each other
And indulge in an act of love
Whilst the rhythm of their warn breath
Compose their song

Their bodies come closer
Like their had souls had merged before
Beyond dimensions they stand
Mesmerized for long

A smile here and a tear there
The joy that surmounts bliss
A frown here and a giggle there
Infinite passion holding em strong

Conversing in a language
In a grammar called romance
They engulf in unison
Unto each other they now belong

The flame is on and the fire’s burning
In the redness they are deemed one
Immersed in an erotic salvation
They caress in silence for long long long . .

LOVE STORY

He fell in love amidst the haziness and loneliness that had engulfed his life. He met that person and unknowingly he felt he had known him for ages. He enjoyed that feeling and opened up to the person. Before he knew anything he was in love. He enjoyed every bit of attention that he received and also felt the bliss of togetherness when and around that person. His mind would dance at that name and his lips would stretch into a smile at the very thought of that person.

He expressed what he thought was evident, his love for this amiable creature! But, that is when love played its first dirty game with this man. All that was positive vanished into negativity, all that was in color merged into black and all that danced to the zephyr of love broke into pieces. A mere wording or legitimate expression of love ruined what was a reality. Now it has to be referred to as a dream. To grow beyond this was the obvious!

His love for that person did not change at that . . . after all it was LOVE!! How could it change? After a while, the other person seemed to drift further away into a distance that was unknown. It could be referred to as the Abyss. The light couldn’t reach that darkness and the sound couldn’t touch his senses at that depth of separation.

The distance induced pain, pain that was excruciating, insatiable and totally insensitive. His love was put to test, his love was being evaluated and his love was measured and perceived and observed. He realized it had gone too far! If his love is being put through all of it, it is best preferred for his love to lay within the depths of his heart, in a unknown abyss of its own and to glow within him and light his persona with the warmth of godliness.

Days passed, his love continued to glow and cherish within himself, unto himself. It wouldn’t perish, after all it was LOVE!

He is happy he protected his love from being tested, being played with and being hurt from. He shall survive with that love within him, warming his soul and protecting him from the viciousness of life and unruliness of people.

After all, it is LOVE . .. it will never die!!!

sexyyyyyyyy

Well if a person is called a "looker" . . he must be close to this . . .. . the most sexiest and happening guy ever . . . .

Gen. Parvez Musharaffs son . . . .

IMRAN . . .

EKALAVYA . . Cinema redifined

I watched EKALAVYA . . . . . . And for me it is the best movie made in Indian cinematic history. One of the very few movies that has taken real interests in portraying cinema through its own media of visualization. Amazing semiotic graphs, interplay of compositions, sound and light. Toned performances and an exceptionally visual extravaganza that could reach your senses before it reaches your brain set this movie in a class that is premium and will definitely be digested only by the intellectually elite audience. It’s a movie that re evaluates the notions on Crime and Punishment and also questions the concept of morality.

Well I wish I had words to explain the experience of watching this film and words that could describe how I lay stun in my room for hours just in the reminiscence of those glimpses and bits that could have only come out of a genius.

Indeed a work of a genius!!! Bravo. .a great milestone in Indian cinema!

Contemplating . . .

I am going through a bad time now. Financially I am a little crippled, I had some issues with health, and I am shifting to a new room since my room mate has moved out. I have a lot of things to sort out and phewwww!!!!

Life is hectic here and confusing and exhausting or me. I am going crazy over things. At the end of it all, I sit with my taanpura and practice one raga and all that has been painful vanishes like magic . . .

Sometimes I wonder what is so meaningful about music. I know now that the best thing about music is that it gels with your mindset and pampers you like you where its child. It cleanses you and fills you with spirit. In spite of thousands of problems, it gives you the strength to smile and fill the world with your positivism.

I gathered a few dry leaves from the yard near my room and took them to the balcony. I threw them against the wind and saw it float and fly in the sky. I was mesmerized with its beauty and élan. As the zephyr continued to engulf me in its mysticism I walked through the balcony reading in my mind the poems of Neruda.

With all the fun and frolic in my life, with all the philosophy and love that engraves in me, there is still something missing. Something magnificent and something beautiful called love is missing. I wish I could be in love. I wish I could have been loved and I wish love had added wings to my otherwise sober life. I wish I had experienced that few moments of ecstasy in pure love. Gosh! May be I am asking or too much! Anyways I am still positive I will find true love in my life. in what form and when? . . I have absolutely no clue.

Not an issue, I still have music and with that I can achieve quite a flight.

How I wish . . . . . . .

I wish he could see the love in my eye
I wish he could hear the melodies in my heart
I wish he could feel the pain in my soul
I wish he could just be there for me

I wish the night had less darkness
I wish the air had more of his breath
I wish the spaces had less emptiness
I wish my love had more life to it

I wish I could sing the melodies of love
I wish I could paint the romantic sky
I wish I could live feeling more alive
I wish I could get back loved the way I love

I wish I had less pain
I wish I had more passion
I wish I got loved with all his heart
I wish I were never to falter again

I wish to feel less experimented on
I wish to feel less judged upon
I wish not to be healed in vein
I wish I got loved like insane

I wish I were more important to him
I wish I were his object of affection
I wish I could always smile
I wish I could be happy for a while

I wish I could be as indifferent
I wish I could be more pertinent
I wish that I was loved
I wish that I was loved

Fun and Frolic on saturday in Banglore

Well i was bit by the Photography bug again. I was pretty exited about everything and had a gala time. First of all I was with Archana and Gangadhar reason enough for my exitement, next I also visited forum and me and Archana drooled over evrything that was beautiful, and believe me there was lots of it . . . . . ha ha ha


well I will let the pictures speak for themselves, though i will adorn them with my Brahaspatic comments. [the photos were shot in my phone. If they are good, credit goes to the genius photographer; and when the photos are grainy and not sooo good the fault is of the camera . . afterall a phone camera!!!! and there was no lighting tooooo . . :) :) :) ]



The cooool Mr. Karthik sets out deciding he is gonna have a great day . . .






He goes to his second home in Bangalore, owned by his '"foster parents", Archana and Gangaadhar . . . who look so cute together . . .










They have a son called Caesar . . .and when the Father and son have a difference of opinion . . . this is how they solve it!!!!







My best photographic work . . . Caesar . . when u look into that innocent eyes, you begin to realise there is god in all creatures!!!







Archana's kitchen! Usually dysfunctional . . . only when I go she makes me cook there. . ..





Occasionally if I am not around and she needs coffee, she will just get up from her couch looking like a chinky and make some lazy coffee . .





Guest / Karthik room . . . I have slept, wept and talked my heart out in this room soooooo many times . . .





I told Archana, there is something called 'brain' and You must think with it . . . Archana got up and went to the window to start thinking on why she has not been thinking all these years of her life . .

My Seat . . .

After persistent advice and lot of explaining, Archana has realised there is somthing arty in decorating the house also . . and under mu guidance her house looks farely desent now . . what do you think????

In the evening I was in forum and saw this amazing Air hostess called Sonia . . . Her saree, her attitude and the way she walked in . . . .all jaws fell down . . .i just wanted to sing 'Kya adake Jhalve teri paro . . dil ke tukade ho gaye hazaaro . . . . .' .. . i slowly clicked her picture when she was choosing cards at archies . . . . its the lady in the saree . . .





Wall papers of this amazing beauty called Sheetal Malhaar . .



Place to stand and drool at Bangalores increasing Beauty cum Sexy population . . . .

How our legs looked when me and couple of friends sat together for coffee . .

All in all . . a great day . . with friends and craziness and lot of joy in the heart . . ..

Travel

I travelled back to Bangalore today . .

In the extremely crowded and noisy train, my only companion was my pod!

I listened to a lot of concerts.

The sun had just set and the stars had appeared on the sky.

The vast strech of greenery and the beautiful landscapes travelled with me .. . . .

MS in her divine voice began to sing . . . . the whole atmosphere turned meditative and I was just mooved to tears, when the whole universe gathered to explain to me the meaning of the very few lines she was singing . .

naanaati baduku naatakamu
kaanaka kannati kaivalyamu

puttutayu nijamu pogutayu nijamu
nata nadimi pani naatakamu
yeta neduta galadi prapanchamu
katta kadapatidi kaivalyamu

tegadu paapamu teeradu punyamu
naki naki kaalamu naatakamu
eguvane shree venkateshwarude lika
gaganamu meedidi kaivalyamu . . . ..

naananti baduku natakamu natakamu . . ..

REFLECTIONS

I was walking by the streets today. There is a part near the Gemini Flyover that I have to cross to reach the main road. I was passing through that point today on my way to some work. Its late and the area under and around the flyover is very dark. I hate walking there because it usually filled with nasty drunkards and other people. There is also a slum near it. I usually try and catch a glimpse of those people who I cross by.

Today I observed one cute thing. There was this bullock cart and it was parked near the road. The cart was full of luggage and in between that luggage a couple lay deep in sleep arm in arm. They were not even conscious about the surroundings and were half smiling even in that state of sleep. I just paused for a while and left that place with a smile.

On my way I remembered this nasty argument I had with a friend today, who dared to tell me that Artists produce art because they are jobless. All that one needs is two meals a day and if art cannot provide that art is useless. I was awestruck by his comments and I stopped my conversation then and there. If it was only two meals one needed, things in this world would have been different.

Looking at that couple and their simple joy I wondered why we are deprived of such moments. I never aspire for anything big in life. I don’t want diamonds, gold cars, bikes, houses or anything like that. All I need is small snippets and moments of joy. Care from people that I care for and a reason to smile.

What else can I get by the way sitting within these four walls of my room? Walking, studying, working and doing everything else in loneliness, what else can I expect? Tiny moments of joy from small things in life and word of assurances and love from people who care that is all I can get and that tiny thing gives me ecstatic joy.

Well, when I am deprived of that too . . .. . IT HURTS . . . SO MUCH SO THAT IT ACHES.

A DREAM . . . . .

I enjoy my loneliness, but I am also tired of it. I just want to run away from everything and everyone. Everything seems so pseudo and valueless. I just want to sing. Just sing for myself. I want to sing. Just sing for myself. I want so just sing, for myself.

I have this amazing dream.

I want to run away from all this material things I do.

I don’t want to make a living. I just want to live through life.

I want to run away to Sringeri. Sit in front of Sharadaamba and sing to my hearts content. Get up from there and go to the banks of Tunga River, sit on its banks and hum ragas for hours together and feel one with nature.

I am . . . . . . . . . Vanishing into a dream . . . .

As I sit and sing on the river banks, three people come to bless me. Aacharya Chandrashekhara saraswati, Aacharya Chandrashekhara Bhaarathi and Mudduswami Deekshitar!!

They bless me and take me across the river to a cave.

I enter the cave and it is full of light. Aacharya Shankara is sitting there with a smiling face.

He calls me towards him and keeps his palm on my head.

I am in shivers and tears. I break in to a song of Deekshitar.

Aachaarya just closes his eyes and I can see a light radiating from his chest.

Yes I see Shaaradaamba the universal mother smiling from the heart of Shankara.

She extends her hand to me like a mother would call a four year old.
I run towards her and she hugs me.

I vanish into infinity.

Into silence.

Into . . .

Happy Valentines Day

I just let my mind paint today morning. I did this graphic painting that I have now named as “The Mind.” And I was gazing at it as it gave me new insights into my mind.

What does a painting speak about? The mental make up of the artist and it unveils the huge array of hidden expressions in his mind. How can one interpret what a painting is trying to say? The depths of colors that have risen from my soul communicate with the depth of your soul. When you observe it for a while, you get your thoughts accordingly.

Will the artist and the viewer view the same things?

Well may be and may not be!

Then how do you know what the reality is? Well you never know!

Your reality is yours and the artist’s reality is his. Your truth leads you and his truth leads him!

Well, art is an extension of life and it is always true that all that holds good for art will hold good for life too. We are all dying in our realities. In what we think is real and in what we want to perceive as real by our standards. We hallucinate in our realities and fail to realize that the reality that we believe in may still be virtual in nature.

I guess we are all SCHIZOPHRENIC.

We will jus believe in what we think is real for us. We will never ever know the reality of others. We will never know if all the feelings that the others show towards us are real. We will never know if we are perceived the way in which we project ourselves. We will never know.

This is when you realize that all emotions are somewhere meaningless. Love, hatred, affection and so many other emotions are real only for us. We will never know the reality of another person. It all boils down to illusions. Nature and universe gives you one hundred signs that your reality is not yours. When you are expecting something and it doesn’t happen, you know you are being signaled by the universe that you are living in a hallucination. It is left for you to code or decode the signs.

Then what is reality? What is that which is the truth?

I may love and never be loved, I may never love and still be loved, I may care and never be cared for, and I may never care and still be cared for! It’s all an illusion.

Its time to seek the truth! The truth that will free me from all bondages and illusions!

WHY?

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I practiced a lot, learnt new compositions, read a lot, studied a lot and watched good movies. Well one thing I would like to clarify is that I don’t watch movies for entertainment. For me, watching a movie can be as equally taxing and tiring as a practice session. I have so many things to follow as a technical student of cinema! Composition, lighting, continuity, semiotics, dialogues, narration, performances, rhythm in editing, pace, development and expression – these are all the areas to cover. I have to consciously keep in track of all these as well as enjoy the film as a layman! That’s a tough job!

Well, the movies that I watched yesterday were two great Indian films that most of them would have watched. Abhimaan and Mili from the master minded craftsman Hrishikesh Dada. I have watched these movies so many times and they leave such an impression on me all the time. I wonder what happened to that kind of cinema. Al that dada needed was two or three strong performers, one camera, one trolley and a few lights in a room. He could churn out the best of cinema from these little things.

Mili and Abhiman represent that era of Indian life, where Indians were still predominantly Indian in culture. The story lines are very simple, yet they stir you up completely and leave you dumbfounded. Amitab has won accolades from world over and it is obviously only Amitab who can carry out these roles. Jaya Bachhan is however imperial and illustrious in her performances. The songs of the movies are so beautifully worded and the tunes leave you mesmerized.

The essence or totality of the experiences I had while watching these films are simple. Yes! SIMPLE!

It is simplicity that makes it so great. Indian life and values during that time were simple. There was so much more meaning to life, commitment, love, honor and relationships at that time. There were no complications in life, no confusions and no exaggerations.

Well dint they have problems, confusions or questions? Yes they did! But they were blessed with something called contentment. Contentment is a bliss that is showered upon a few people. Contentment is something that defines happiness in simplicity. Well I think people like Hrishikesh dada are now gone and so, is simplicity in life. We are entangled in our super egos and synthetic confusions. Only if we could be that content middle class happy Indians again! Life would be so meaningful.

I am reminded of an autograph that a teacher of mine had written and signed when I was leaving school. It read,
“Karthik there is nothing called perfection. Sow the seeds of adjustment and reap the fruit of happiness. Let success come to you and may you choose not to be overwhelmed by it and remain simple for life because, simplicity requires courage and commitment and you are blessed with it”

I wonder even if such schools and teachers exist today?

kallu sakkare kolliro!

Today I was reminded of a very special incident that changed my life for ever!

I was traveling along with my sir to all the villages in Karnataka as a part of the PURANDARA JYOTI procession. We were to spread the awareness of this great saint and thinker across Karnataka. We were in Shivmogga and a very big crowd was waiting to receive the crowd.

We walked all over the streets singing songs of Purandara daasa in bhajana style. Many old people and youngsters started dancing in devotion. I was watching them. One youngster who was amongst them came to me and said why you don’t also join us? Let us dance to the glory of this great lineage.

I told him I was shy and I was not comfortable dancing! He gave me a look of utter sarcasm and asked “well you are not shy or uncomfortable when you dance in a party to party music?”. I was taken aback! And I had no answer to give! I smiled back with an utterly gutterly expression and joined the dance. I felt so guilty and shameful. I just realize what I have been missing all these days!

We so easily adapt to western culture and are ‘well informed’ about the happenings and etiquettes of a party but donot even have the guts to dance in joy to the cause of something so soulful and divine! That’s the day from which I never went to a party and utilized all my free time to go get some good company (satsang), which will help me evolve as a human . . . . Say a better Indian!

I can now only think of a few lines of purandara dasa
“gejje katti lajja bittu kuniyiri hari naama ke” . . .wear ankle bells and shed all inhibitions and dance to the glory of hari naama!

“tamburi meetidava bhavaabdi daatidava
Taalava tattidava surarolu seridava
Gejjeya kattidava khalaredeya mettidava
Gaayana paadidava hari murty nodidava
Vithalana nodidava vaikunthake odidava”

[one who strums the Tamburi will be freed from material sorrows,
One who plays the cymbals to hari naama will join the heavenly gods
One who wears the ankle bells and dances will remove all inhibitions and egos
Onw who sings will see the lord himself
Nd one who sees the lord will be blesses with the bliss of salvation]

Bahukrita Vesham

Today I was listening to the lines from the songs of Umrao Jaan.

Abhi aaye ho
Abhee baite, abhi chal diye
Bas ek rasm nibhaane keliye na aaya karo

[you have just come, you did just sit and there you are, already ready to go? dont just come for a formality!]

How true isn’t it? Some times all that we do and say just feels like a formality! Only if we were more true to ourselves and the world! I am reminded of the lines written by the famous Kannada poet DVG

Veshavidu bidadu jeevanava
Veshaadase bidadu manujana jevava

We all roam in masks, aspiring to impress people, gain attention and to belong ‘everywhere’. We all are pulled towards wearing masks that are so away from reality. We enjoy being hallucinated and believing in hallucinations! Seldom do we realize that our life also is nothing but a mask now. One that looks like a face but is not a face, one that has eyes but cannot see, one that has a nose but cannot smell and one that has a mouth but cannot speak. It is just an illusion!

Only if we could be real and original!

I am also reminded of Shankaraacharya again!

udara nimittam bahukrita vesham!

(it is only to fill the stomach, that we wear all these attires! stomach may just be a metaphor to different desires there)

may there be peace evrywhere and let reality prevail!!

na punyam na paapam na saoukhyam na duhkam
na mantro na teertho na veda na yajna
aham bhojanam naiva bhojyam na bhokta
Chidaananda rupah shivoham shivoham
(Nirvaanashtakam)

I going through a few works of Adi Shankaraacharya today. This means

I am not bonded by sins or virtues
I am not aware of any Mantra, any teertha, any yajna or any Veda
I am not prey, shall not seek and shall not be had
I am one with ecstatic joy, I am truth. I am truth!!

How powerful are these lines? Just you think for a few seconds and you are lost in another world. You seek refinement and you wish you were anything but what you are right now! These lines were running in my mind ad I sat before this life like image of Chandrashekhara Bharathi stood before me.


Just that face and stature speaks volumes about his personality to you. You seemed to gain energy through just staring at his photographs. Beauty is a very mediocre word to describe that face! It is that radiance and what they call in Sanskrit as ‘Varchass’ ...the radiance of inner knowledge that appeals to you.

After a while I just grabbed the book I was reading and sat in my lonely spot in the balcony near my room. You can see the main road from there directly.

Two women were hitting each other drunk and yelling at the top of their voices. Many men stood near the pan shop and left fumes inhaled from their cigarettes, many more trying to walk straight on the road after a considerably large ounce of drinking.

Vehicles going and coming, ambulances rushing from accident zones to hospitals, ministers traveling, buses and cars etc etc.

Uff what is life?

A mad rush?

To achieve what?

Something illusionary, temporary and momentary?

Is it all worth it?

Why are we here?

What is our purpose?

I was lost in questions . .. I just picked up my pod and played the list randomly and put on my earphones . .. and there was Shankaracharya speaking to me in MS’s voice

Bhaja govindam Bhaja govindam Govindam bhaja moodha mate

Punarapi jananam
Punarapi maranam
Punare janani jathare shayanam
Iha samsaare bahu dustare
Krupaya pare pahi murare

Birth and death in cycles again and again
To sleep in the mothers womb again and again
This samsara is too much of pain
Please help me cross this ocean for once and for all .. . . . .

I just remembered the last two lines of the movie samsara that shot to critical acclaim recently

Is it great to control one urge
Or give into a thousands? . .

What a question, what a question!

I HATE IT WHEN I AM LOOKED AT LIKE AN OUTSIDER!

Well I am writing this post today with utter fury! I cannot understand why the world has to be the way it is now? Why cant people just bother about their lives and live happily?

I was going to attend a concert one day and in my usual way I decided to wear a Panche and Kurta and go. It is the attire that I am most comfortable in and the attire that I mostly feel at home in. Well, after the concert I thought I will go and meet a few friends for practice and in the meanwhile I received a message that I need to go to college to collect a few important supplements. I decided to leave from the venue in the same attire and I went to college and collected the material. I was annoyed how everybody gave you a look for being in that attire! Well I think it is totally unfair that people should go crazy when they look at an Indian dressed like an Indian! It makes no sense!

I was annoyed and irritated too. If I were to dress up like a hip-hop dancer and go to college with all my funny attire I am sure I would have received much appreciation! It is so demeaning that I have to think twice before I can follow my culture and my roots. I am a person without any two sides. I am an open book and I have only one face! I am what I am where ever I am. Just because a group of people are uncomfortable with my traditionalism I cannot change myself and behave like a hippy! I am proud of my tradition and I will carry it with me.

I don’t care about what other people have to say. I don’t have any respect for people who cannot live by their culture and respect their traditions. If you cannot respect your own tradition, you are actually showing disrespect to your own upbringing! I don’t have to go and drink in a party to be ‘cool’, I don’t have to wear branded stuff to look ‘hot’, and I don’t have to put up an accent to feel special! I have nothing against people who do, it’s their life! Similarly it s my life and they should let me be the way I am!

I want to be what I am and I am very proud of what I am. If people consider me old fashioned or boring they have all their freedom to think so! I have better things to worry about! There are so many compositions I haven’t learnt yet, so many books of Vivekananda that I haven’t read yet, so many Sanskrit plays that I haven’t heard of yet and so many philosophers of whom I haven’t heard yet! Well I need to learn about my culture and my country before I can spend time knowing about other stuff. Otherwise I will be like one of those wineglass models who appear in Page3 of commercial magazines, who even smile like they have to smile for somebody else, so plastic and so clichéd! So far from originality, reality!

Well I am down with severe fever and infections! Something like bronchitis. My throats swollen and I have become very weak and tired. So I am not writing much today. It is just that I do things that I do in whatever condition I am and blog a day means a blog a day commitment to me.

The best thing to do when you are sick and alone is to catch up with old romantic movies. Preferably black and white. So today I watched the classic from Ingrid Bergmans june night and the ever romantic Casablanca.

Both are highly romantic and very sensible movies. The term romantic has so many meanings at so many levels. These movies are romantic because the simplicity with which they address love and the greatness hidden within its simplicity.

I am sick and alone and I miss Amma. She would have prepared hot pepper rasam for me now and would have been around to check my temperature and to serve me hot water and milk. Gosh!!! She is in Bangalore and I miss her so much! Mothers are the only creatures in this world who care for you and be with you at times of illness.

Miss you amma !!!

SACRIFICE

OPENING SEQUENCE

SEMIOTIC GENIUS IN IMAGERY . . .LOOKING AT YOUR ACCOPLISHMENTS

THE SON FOLLOWS THE TRADITION IN THE END

Today I watched an amazing and mind boggling movie called Sacrifice by Tarkovsky! The best imagery I have yet seen and amazing conjugation of sound, light and pace. The performances are more monologues in approach but are definitely out of the world and amazing.

The movie very subtly deals with the ongoing war between scientific development and spiritual deficiency. The war between natural and synthesized versions of all virtues is also beautifully highlighted. Basically deals with the inner struggle of every human being and the extent to which one can be ruined or rebuilt by his own self. Amazing movie, but strictly for serious cinema buffs because there is not an ounce of “entertainment” value in the film. Of course if a challenge to your intellect is entertainment . . . then this film is 100% entertainment!

I was in my room today and I had finished most of my ‘to do’ things. I switched on my laptop and just gazed into it for three hours doing nothing. I was BLANK. I dint know what was wrong with me?

I feel like I don’t have anybody. It’s a strange feeling but I get it all the time. I am a born performer and I love having people around. People who understand me and who tally with my wave length. I don’t spend even a millisecond with people I have grown different from because the differences that we share will continue to hover on me and hamper my existence. I am with a lot of friends and I am bombarded with a lot of work to do. Every weekend I have a concert and so many new items to prepare. With all that I still find time to feel lonely! I don’t know why and how? Am I so hollow? I am not so sure!

I feel very alone and deprived. Deprived of a companion who can understand me and who can share his innate self with me? I feel deprived of an artistic dialogue. I am deprived of silent conversations and loud silences. I am deprived of artistic development and evolvement.

I wish Archana was around to discuss cinema and media, I wish Shreeti was around to talk to me about her parents fight and her dog blacky. … and yes that wonderful shot in that Iranian film !! I wish Vikram was around to discuss music and isms in art history and he concepts of composition and literature, I wish Sahu was around to crack jokes and suddenly hummn tunes and ragas together, I wish my sis in law was around to telling her funny office stories and all her adventures, I wish my sis was around blabbering never endingly about her shootings, I wish I had amma around to simply scold me foe not keeping the coffee mug in its place, I wish Phalgun was around so that we could go on a drive to some musical place, I wish sir was around pampering me and giving me word of encouragement to all the crazy things that I jump into . .

I wish I could be happy being alone . .. .. . . . . . all alone . . . . . . . .