Bedardi Tune Darda Naa jaana. . . .

Bedardi Tune Darda Naa jaana

Hi folks I m back in Chennai and I was quite free after my class. I just went for a long walk in the roads of this very familiar but yet alien city. I carried my pod along and was listening to the maestro Rashid Khans collection.. .

There came the thumri Bedardi tune dard na jaana …. In mishra pahari . . . what an awesome rendition! Thumris are a very great contribution to the society. The literature celebrates pain and madness in love but the music sustains and safeguards lot of traditional tunes. It is sung in free style with lots of improvisation. Rashid khan’s immaculate capability and maturity as a musician reflects in this album. It was followed by the bhairavi bhajan ajj raadha brij ko chali . . . . How romantic and yet how subtle and divine!!

The lights where glittering on all sides of the roads. The breeze caressed me with its soft touch as I walked lost in music. People were retiring from their work and I was actually lost in an irony. I was surrounded by people, all strangers who were in hurry to run back home and I was between them like any another stranger. But I had found a peace within myself that persuaded me to look at the closeness with a distance from which I could perceive their commotion.

With music and an open heart I felt one with all of them. One with the breeze, one with life and one with the universe.

It is so meaningful to find oneness amongst strangers than suffer from differences with people you care for . . .

excerpts of a random order . . .

Memoirs of an ancient house. . . . . .

I stand here quite lonely and deserted. The glory that encompassed me has now faded away. I live like have never lived before, in sadness and in drought. The days from my past haunt me. The happy days are now a distant dream and life is never the same again. I wonder what happened to all the happiness. What happened to all that innocence? And where are my children? The children who have grown in me?

Earlier things were different. My children loved me and craved to come to me in search of peace and love. They would gather in herds and fill my corridors with laughter and noise, with giggles and frowns. They came to me as children and I saw them grow into men and women of honor. They learnt the first lessons of life in me.

I thought them what is love, friendship, conscience, sacrifice, family, differences, and conflicts and in general what is life. I saw them mature into learned blossoms that will color the world with its unimaginable shimmer. I saw them cry in my dark corners feeling the pain from unexpected trials of life. They came to me in sickness and they came to me in joy.

Life has absorbed all of them into its uncanny fangs. They are now the children of life and don’t have time for me. They think of me with a smile but never with a longing that was in them as a child. They miss me but do nothing to have my love.




I stand here now in ruins and pain, that my children are no longer mine. The memory of the colorful past haunts me now. The noise and cries of joy now echo in my silence. The light and glitters of happiness now hide in my shadows.

I am alone and silent in the memoirs of my past
Well is it not life itself that I am speaking of?
I am your destiny oh happy man
When time precedes and you have gone too far
You are lonely like I am. .. . Lonely like I am!

C A N I S P E A K ? . . . THE WAY I WANT?

Are you really into me?
I do not really know
Were you ever mine?
I will never realize
What is that you seek?
I will never give it to you
What is it you despise?
I will not want to know

Should I laugh at times or cry?
Should I be just I?
Should I let my mind fly?
In the unknown sky?
Should my heart bleed and pain?
For something that is lost?
Should my joy redeem in vein?
Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I am talking to you Oh Sea!
Why can’t thou hear me?
I cannot shout any longer!
I am lost indeed!
Your waves shall come
And show me the path
On which I will walk on
From today today!!

Oh I can hear you
Don’t smile at me
I really got human
But that’s just momentary
I realize that life is fun otherwise
When I am human nothing will suffice
I shall not sale anymore
On your waves oh mighty sea

I spoke to you like a child
And you laugh at me?
I will be the man now
That will outgrow you
My power will be mighty
And I can never love you!
I can never love you like a child
And never accept you






You are at a distance
Beyond anybody can perceive
I feel like an alien
In your lifelessness
I am not what you want
I will never be
I am what I am
And that shall be!!

p a s s 'I' o n

I guess I have always been different. My friend Archana told me once, “Karthik, you are so different in anything!!” I sometimes keep thinking if she were right! I wanted to know if I was really different. This led to introspection and I found it pretty hard to answer myself. I know that I have some problems with life. I just realized the greatest problem with me is “Me!”

So what’s with me? Well I think strangely. I hate stereo typicality. I don’t want to lead a life that makes me a file number in some office that issues death certificates. I am not a number, or one amongst so many. I feel I am born to stand out and someday I would want to break all shackles of generality and feel the bliss of immortality, by being something else. This feeling that has routed in me so hardly defines me and shapes me into what I am. I call this my passion!!

I cannot imagine of being anything but myself. I am so fortunate that god made me the way I am.

I am lost – I agree but is it not fun to be lost?

I am absent minded – isn’t it too common to have too much of presence of mind?

I am a dreamer – reality sucks anyways!

I am a joker – well isn’t life a joke?

I am sentimental – thank god for that! How unfortunate and boring are those people who are not?

I am emotional – truly! Art would have felt like fourier equations otherwise!

I cry – because I feel it from my heart and not from my bloody brains!

I smile – because I am filled with love

I love – because I believe in god

I fight – because I need to seek the truth

I sulk – because I am not a stone

I fear – that I will loose my humane virtues in the quest of materialism

I – am passion!

I live life to the fullest. I love with all my heart, sing with all my soul, eat with all my appetite, smile with all the joy and cry with all my heart!

I am not interested in pursuing life as a being that will spend all its energy in getting what its body wants. I am more than my body. I am more than what your knowledge can digest. I am more than love. I am more than hatred. In am more than joy

I am passion and passion is I

Beauty

Well I am obsessed with this term. Of all the subjects that I have managed to study, aesthetics is the subject that I have most enjoyed learning. Aesthetics is not something that has been learnt or it is not something that can be learnt. It is a sense that develops within you and your psychological learning and perception actually shapes it. It is tough to ignore beauty. Beauty defines so many things. Beauty is like this subtle poetry that runs amidst the stereo typicality of life’s prose. Beauty is essentially derived from naturalist instincts and cannot be cultivated through artificial practice. We may try to imitate beauty and reproduce beauty, but the lack of originality and truth deprives beauty from flourishing at its fullest.

The first ever statement that struck my mind with reference to beauty is “Satyam Shivam Sundaram”. They are all equal! Truth, love and beauty are the synonyms of the same concept. Beauty is not physical, it is latent. Beauty is not selective but is hidden in all of us. Beauty creates us and beauty defines us. Beauty is the grace within the grace, smile within the smile and light within the light. That inner quality of beauty makes it eternal.

I have experienced beauty a lot, so much so that it is difficult to take sometimes. There is so much of beauty in this world; it is just for you to see that’s all. When you are beautiful and guided by beauty you will only see beauty in this world. Just like light cannot lead you to dark, beauty cannot lead you to ugliness.

Well I experience beauty in small things of life. Water droplets on leaves, lady birds buzzing on your elbows, butterflies dancing near a flower, a poet painting with words and a painter writing with colors, a musician rendering a soul, a mother singing to her child, a father hugging his baby, a woman shy at herself, an old couple deeply in love all over again!!! Huff there is so much more . . . .

Well I would want to concentrate on one particular aspect of beauty. “Personality” because, persons are not beautiful, but their personalities are. Here are five different personalities who define beauty for me. Excuse me if they are al female, because I pursue beauty as feminine.

No for me Aishwarya is definitely not beautiful! Real beauty lies in the hidden secret of imperfection. Small imperfections hold lot of beauty within them.


Susmita Sen: Maturity, elegance, grace, spirited, sexy (especially in a sari) and powerful

Konkana Sen Sharma: Truly beautiful, original, filled with the beauty of talent, genuine

Nandita Das: Charming, Earthy, mesmerizing, simple and deep!!













Shobana: life to painting, perfect body and proportions, graceful and energetic












MS amma: definition of beauty, beauty herself.

Beautiful face, beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, beautiful voice, beautiful voice and beautiful life. Beauty incarnate!!

ode to friendship II

This is an extension of my previous article.


Its long due and I think its high time I write about some of my closest friends and how they have influenced my life. I will only write snippets on each one though . . .

ARCHANA

A storm. A pulsating quasar. She is always full of josh and can inspire you to be filled with some too. A typical tomboy who likes scandalizing herself and others. Ready to fight (occasionally for justice). Is there for you when you really need her and is very cute. Talks very well and we literally complete each others sentences. We share similar interests in literature, music and arts. She is the greatest thing to happen to me!! Cheers Archu! Just remembering you once in a while, makes my day!!

SHREETHI

The typical bong! She is one friend to bring lot of laughter and tears in my eye. Is sweet when she is with you but, is totally ignorant of your existence too when you are away. She was this laughing jackass who could fill so much of life into your monotonous life. She is somewhat indifferent and I miss her now. I would not want to talk much about her anyways.

PHALGUNA

Always there to help. Cares for you immensely and will do anything for you. A true friend and loves to be teased. Gets tensed easily and laughs immediately too. Rude to some people but, extra sweet with others. A strange mixture of conflicting personalities. A great friend.

PAVAN

My only friend from BMS days. We would stick around all the time and I literally quit engineering because he stopped coming to college and I missed his company. He finished his BE though, I ended up in performing arts. Very sweet guy and very happy always. Ever smiling and always manages to keep in touch. Looks up to friendship with reverence and inspires you to feel good. Great goin Pavana . . u r simply amazing!

SAHANA

One of my earliest female friends in Bangalore. The sweetest in the lot. Frank, funny, loving, caring and very genuine. She has an amazing voice and character too. She is there to cheer you up and cry with you when you need her! An amazing friend and a very inspiring person . .hats off to you Sahu!!!

MANASI

Hardworking and sweet friend. Is frank and lives life to the point. She is never lost in emotions generally, but when she is, she can be a real child. Winner and go getter. She is an awesome friend too.

KP

Sweet and funny. Like my younger brother. He has been with me on many divine moments. We have traveled a lot together and have discussed everything under the sun. He is a very sweet friend and always keeps you entertained and smiling. Love you KP for being the clown and my divine friend !!

PRAJWALA

A million dollar smile, a heart full of compassion and love, a smile full of light! That is Praj! A very dear friend and a wonderful person. Smiles or simple things and frowns at none. The angel like friend who can make you feel special. Cheers praj!! U rock!!

SKANDA

Purity at heart defined! A wonderful conversationalist and an amazingly brainy fellow. He doesn’t realize it himself that’s all. Can speak on any topic under the sun. Is read to help you when ever you require his help. Frank and outspoken and basically very true to himself. Gem that I m proud to be acquainted with.

NANDINI

A very very sweet friend. I miss her a lot. She was fun all the way and was like this little princess pampered by all my fiends. Could continuously laugh like a fanatic! Was very very sweet!!

AMILA

Inspired me into learning lot of technical stuff. Gadget woman. Great friend and teacher. We discussed anything under the sun and life was fun when she was around!! Miss you too!

Hmm the list will continue. . Some other day. .

ODE TO FRIENDSHIP . . .

Its hard to write about Pammi. ..

He is in many ways extremely special to me and I don’t know how to express all that in words. Well for starters, Pammi is my dearest friend and that is the entire introduction I need to think of. He is now in the US to do his masters and I m missing him here severely.

Well what makes Pammi so special?? ? ? ? ?

I still remember, I was new to Bangalore and had just started music classes under sir. Coming from a small town had left me dumbfounded and shocked for a few days. I had no friends and was usually very lonely in this crowded city.

I finished class and was walking back to bus stop, where I wanted to catch a bus. A very cute guy came on his bike and smiled at me! I smiled back! He told me he was my sirs son and that he would give me a drop to the nearest stop. I was shy, but agreed. He talked to me candidly about my education, house, relatives and also enquired if I had a girl friend in the very first meeting !!!! I was left spell bound.

It was the first time I felt at home. There was no turning back! Pammi became an indispensable part of my life. Hi took me to all those beautiful places that friendship takes you.

Pammi was the spirit that I endured very much and I unknowingly was cast in his spell. We where busy with life and would hardly catch up, but when we did, all the distances and spaces would vanish. I even remember going with him to the passport office to renew sirs passport and on our way back, we had been to his favorite place Grameen in Koramangala. We just sat there and had lunch for around on hour and did not talk at all. We just remained silent but still could feel the conversation happen. Real friends are beyond conversations.

The best time we had was in our Kerala trip and our Coorg trip. We just had a gala time together. We sat talking in the rain for hours of our fears and foes and didn’t realize that the time for dinner had past by. We walked through the palace of Swati Tirunal Maharaaja and could feel the lost glory come back to life. We stayed in the backwaters of Kabini and took silent water boats in the morning to experience the sun rise and feel the oneness with nature. We sat in the Vivekananda Rock and discussed the life and thoughts of that man “Vivekananda” who has influenced both of us deeply. We prayed to Vaadiraaja together at his vrindaavana at Sode and felt blessed together

He has always been there for me when I was in a crisis. He has been there for me whenever I felt lonely. I still remember what happened when he came out of his surgery. I would not discuss it because it would sound stupid now.

He defines friendship for me and he is one of those first friends who have accepted me the way I am without expecting anything in return. He gave me a reason to smile and also a reason to be proud of.

I miss you dearly Pammi, but I am proud of you. I feel a void in me without you around. We will meet up and have fun when you return. Cant wait for that . . . . . till then cheers and thanks for being my very special friend. Thanks for being Pammi!!!

confessions of a mind . . .

DEDICATED TO MEERA . . THE SAINT THINKER WHO FIRST INSPIRED ME TO LOVE SOMEBODY WITH ALL YOUR SOUL . . . .

This is just for me to look at what love means to me. I am sure you have already thought I have written enough on this, but I have not. I actually want to put it all out and in that way I think I can at least affirmatively conceptualize what is within my mind. I don’t want to be confused and leave others confused because of the ways in which I display my emotions. It is better that I share with the world, what I think and that way I get different perspectives of what I want.

If I don’t express myself now, I think I will never ever, and I don’t want that to happen at any cost. My understanding of love has been shaped, since I have been a kid. My past has shaped me but has not filled me. I don’t allow my past to leave me hollow either. It blends in a mixture that is unknown and non perceivable.

“My house says to me, “don’t leave me, for here dwells your past”.
And the road says to me, ‘come and follow me, for I am your future.
And I say to both my house and the road; I have neither past nor future. If I stay here, there is a going in my staying; and if I go there is a staying in my going. Only love and death change all things.”

I have never had intimacy with ‘people’ throughout my life. What I seek is to know what is inside a person. I relate to his soul and not his mind. I cannot ever love somebody for making them only mine. I can love a person because he belongs to so many things and because he can let go most of it for my sake. Not let go of those things for ever, but for only that time, which he spends with me. That will suffice and that is what I look for.

I could never relate to my father all my life and that has left a void in me. I have issues with trusting and easily forgiving people for betraying me too. It has become a habit. But now I am alone and will continue to flourish, in my loneliness. I am not available for anybody and neither do I seek anybody. All I want is happiness all the way and no regrets.

My loneliness was born when people praised my talkative faults
And blamed my silent virtues

I have seen a lot of troubled relationships, have been in them and also have suffered enough! But all this happens because of lack of proper understanding and lack of communication.

So what does love actually mean to me? Well it has many facets.

First of all, I am predominantly an asexual thinker and person! I cannot relate to sex and its presence in a relationship reduces it to too much of vulnerability. I cannot sexually be attracted to any person physically, and on some occasions if I am, it will last only for a few seconds and I will be out of it immediately. I cannot relate to the body, but only to the soul.

In love, I just wan to be pampered and feel the happiness between two souls. I want to cuddle up with the inner self of the person and hug his soul tight. I want our souls to talk to each other and not our bodies. I want to forget all past, future and live only in the present. I want love to leave scars in my heart and not in my neck or body. I want love to make me feel human that’s all.

I cannot relate to love, as many others do. For me love is very different. Love is heightened friendship. Love is a discussion forum on which we discuss on life and its sciences. I don’t even want my loved one to be bonded with me. My loved one is free to pursue other relationships but, when with me to be genuinely mine that’s all. Love should be of mutual respect and understanding. Love should be holding hands over a walk, smiling at each other for no reason, talking to each other without thinking, crying for each other without haste, being there for each other for the sake of it, longing for each others company so that we can discuss the world inside out, pampering each other and feeling good, not hurting any one and letting things be as they are!

Love for me, is beyond commitment, relationships or marriages!!! Love is a way of life. Next time I have just read the most beautiful phrase in the world . . . I just want to read it out to my love. For me love is just sharing, not giving or taking. Love is not kissing . . . .love is not hugging . . . .love is just smiling with soulful joy . . . .

Love is like meera had loved Krishna . . . love is what shabari had for raama . . .love is what a child has for his father . . . . . . its just that I m not meera, Krishna, rama, shabari, child or a father . . . . m just love hidden in all of them!!!

You are blind and I am deaf and dumb.
So let us touch hands and understand

The reality of me is not what I reveal to you
But what I cannot reveal to you
You would understand me only if you listen
To what I do not say and not what I say
Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it so that the other half may Reach you!!!

The voice of life in me
Cannot reach the ear of life in you
But lets talk so that we may not feel lonely . . . . .

life in chennai . . .

Well guys,

I am having an awesome time in Chennai! Don’t ask me why. I am tired of frowning. I realized the world is not as bothered about me, as I am about it. So I feel I give balls to this world and I m crazing out like I m in love with myself. So I thought I will discuss all that I do in my solitude in this city that is very close to me, but still treats me like an alien.

After breakfast I leave to my classes in a Share Auto, which is apparently, a kick ass concept out here. It’s slightly largely built than our autos in Bangalore. It travels in a regular road and you can travel from anywhere to anywhere in just 5 bucks. It’s awesome and you see the real spirit of Chennai from here.



A visit to the library is followed by classes and in the break, its oxford time. The book store cum tea house has some awesome ambience and lot of positivism filled in it. It’s an amazing place where you feel at home amidst so many books.

The chai there is awesome. .. Especially the masaala chai!!! It’s too good. The tea is filled with the fragrance of cardamom, cinnamon and other exotic spices. One drink can keep you alive for quite a while. It refreshes you and you feel the freshness right away

It’s not very difficult to get noticed in Chennai, with a few good looking people around, everybody else is staring at you and giving you looks. This is one place where intellectually cute people come and work too . . . . He he he . . So you love it more . . .

And when you relax over the tea, the music on the background also seems to be soothing you.

I sat there to sip a cup of tea; they played the Spanish song “Amour” . . . from the movie “A walk in the clouds”. It was an amazing feeling. I felt nostalgic about the whole thing and I just sat there for a while, with my eyes closed.

It is sad that such things should be sounding nostalgic already . . . anyways . . . . Who is to blame??

At least I am not bothered; or rather don’t want to be. For whom shall I be bothered? When my not bothering can actually relieve people, I am not going to be bothered or neither will I bother any one.

I m just being myself and looking for fun from small things in life, like I always have been.

I thought about so many things

And stopped thinking about many more!!

But generally I was happy

And happy to the core!

he he he that rhymes too!!!!

After a while, I put all my smiles aside and go to sleep in my room, all alone recollecting all nostalgia in tears and laughs . . . but never feeling too vulnerable .

Well to la amour who is turning me nostalgic;

Me and you shall remain strangers unto life,
Unto one another and each unto himself,
Until the day when you shall speak and I shall listen
Deeming your voice my own voice
And when I shall stand before you
Thinking of myself as standing before a mirror

Till then . . . . just remember that Man is two men, one is awake in darkness and the other is asleep in light !!!

karharapriya . . . .

Hi guys . . .
This Sunday was a special day and I had loads of fun. My day began with the goshti krithi singing of Deekshitar’s composition under sir’s guidance. The items that we presented there happened to be my real favorite ones. Shreemuladhaara, Kamalamba navavarana in ananda abhairavi, diwakara tanujam in yadukula kambodhi, panchashatpeetha in Karnataka devagaandhaara and shri kamalambike were sung in the same order. It is the sheer beauty of the composition, leave you transformed and give you a sense of eternal peace. The positive vibes gather all over you and you are gifted with an aura of divinity.
Later I went home, submitted a few assignments online and hogged on the fantastic bisibelebath that my mom prepares. I then left to Jayanagar to meet a special friend and introduce him to another. It was fun sitting and talking of old times and all the crazy things that we had conspired at college. We laughed our hearts out and we split to do our independent work. I hung on with another friend for a while and discussed some issues that she was dealing with and getting rid off. I was immensely happy and we both did some small shopping too.
I then had to rush to my sir’s concert at Gayana Samaja. The concert started a bit late then scheduled. I was just sitting in the audience and was lost at the magic in sir’s approach to classicism. The varnam and even the hint of Abhogi before that was proof enough of what was coming. The brisk handling of the varnam and the specified naya and ghaata in handling the swara had already shifted the concert to a different plane. Following that was the mellifluous malayamaarutha and janmamenduku with scintillating swara packages fired across wit élan. This was followed by the detailed sketch of devagaandhaari by Sir. I sometimes wonder if all these ragas where ever created because sir could sing them one day! The depths and heights that he scaled in this sowkhya filled raga portrait left me paralyzed and lost. The inner soul had stepped into a celestial dance and had lost myself to music. Tears jut rolled out of my eyes and expressed their gratitude to Sir and music too. Na moraalagimpa followed and the emotional outburst of tyaagaraaja when he says “moralida brochuvumani tanuku sugrevamu gada?” (When I am asking you for help, why are you not blessing me? Don’t you like my voice?) is aptly molded into the soul stirring sangathis of devagaandhaari.
The concert also featured a few snippets like bantureethi koluvu and ramabhakti saamrajyam that added majesty. The main raga for the day was Karaharapriya. The way in which Sir handled the graceful and lilting sangathis of the raga was a real learning experience. The naadaswara phrases just filled the air and built an atmosphere of magic around us all. We where transformed to another era, an era of nostalgia and traditionalism. Karaharapriya was at its best and had come out with full glory in sirs version. The brisk samaanamevaru and the mind boggling nireval at paluku paluku were mystic. The concert ended with a raagamalika ugabhoga followed by “madi madi endu hodedaduvureke?” of Purandara daasa. In Chandra kouns that was awesome. The last item was “hetcharika ga raara” and a minute essay of Suruti which was very classy.
It was a concert that woke you up from your sleep and transformed you to a different person. For many reasons the concert was very special. Sir also looked immaculately radiant with his silk kurta and the very cute Katche panche. Sir will now onwards wear katche panche to all his concerts and that suits him so well. The vibhooti in his forehead shimmered and looked divine on the godly smiling face of Sir.
Another must mention fact about the concert was an awesome karaharapriya by HKV on the violin. He was at his best and the raga as well as nireval stood testimony for his maturity and musical genius. The raga essay was perfect and couldn’t be done better. His vocalized technique of playing and the inherent laya in the raga essay added class and magic to the concert.
I went back home and suffered from introspection disorder J . . .I was feeling very very lost and thanks to friends who are always friends, I spoke about music, karaharapriya and also dicussed the magic of yester year masters in shaping up the raga with a friend over phone, till two in the night. Quite long since I had this session with my friends, which otherwise was a regular habit . . . I know I should continue doing it regularly!!! All in all . . . . . what a day!!!

Experiencing Love!!!

Well I have had a long life. I may just be 26, but that doesn’t stop from making my life very long. Well for starters, I did not have a very memorable childhood. I had to witness lots of up and downs along with my family. Thanks for my mom who has always been there, and has guided me through my life. She has literally sacrificed everything that was hers for the sake of our future. We couldn’t have been even educated with a minimum high school graduation if not for her hard work. I got to see and understand life from very close and in this journey, the greatest lesson I learnt is that there is nobody for you, and you are alone.
With this, I got addicted to my loneliness. I grew up alone and enjoyed my loneliness. I might have had loads of friends, but all my friends get to see only on side of me. The other is fully invisible, and kept to my confidentiality. I learnt new things about life and blossomed to the world accepting and taking everything that it had to offer. Very early in life I had my own cravings for physical love. It was hard to understand myself and get to know what is happening with me. I could have experimented all that I wanted to, but some corner in my heart stopped me where I am and asked me to look at another direction, spirituality.
Very early in life I was initiated very deeply into spirituality and that changed my life completely. I learnt to look beyond the physical and understand everything at another level. I grew up to feel like a half human, and there was still a very big void in me. I have had crazy ideologies and ways of thinking right from childhood, but I never got an outlet to express all those feelings. I was pretty sure that the world couldn’t understand me. This craving for expression and the void in me brought me to Bangalore. I opened up to Bangalore quite quickly, but never too vulnerably. I did not let the city culture affect my true self. I still preferred being the old original self with which I can myself get in terms with.
Music came as the greatest bliss in my life. It opened up new horizons for me and I started to grow inwardly. The ecstatic blend of expression and spirituality pampered me into my current self. But I still had that void in me, which I perceived to be later as the missing pyramid component in the pyramid psychology concept of hierarchical needs and stuff. This I realized was in general termed as love. I used to read a lot of literature, and listen to as well as watch a lot of art based on love. Subtly from within, a crazy wave had spurred up. My loneliness would sometimes haunt me and I would at times sit alone and think up to eternity on nothing.
A few friends of mine persuaded me to go in search of love. I tried to pursue this with interest for a while, trying to fall and rise with a thousand persons in love. But every time I think of leading into a progression an inner regression would pull me back. A war had broken within my soul between the quest for human love and the quest for true spiritual bliss. I often ended up giving into the spiritual aspect of it.
Humans would end up judging me, would be irritated with me quite soon, and would stale away in my memory sometimes. None of the acquaintances would go beyond a day. I also had my set of set backs. I could never bother to impress anybody, because you can’t do all that drama every day!!! I could never flirt. . Because I was very sure, flirting was never between two people!!! It initiates in two people and spreads its vicious flanges on all others involved with them either consciously or subconsciously. I could never spend time appreciating people physically because I never look at a person through his body. In the long run, in times of despair, diseases, accidents and horrors of life physicality could vanish and escape into invisibility. And I had anyways been deeply routed into spirituality.
I experienced romanticisms in a very unique manner. Reading something wonderful, watching something sensible and doing or experiencing anything related to art, ignited the spark of romance in me. I consider friends as the greatest gift to humanity and I treasure al my friends with greatest respect and love. I express to them unlimitedly and express myself to them till I am tired out. After all, “saying is believing”. None of my true friends have been irritated with me, because they know I am not trying to impress them, but since I am genuine about my expression.
I am child like in my sensibility about love. I will either love somebody genuinely or never bother to be even acquainted with them. I am never going to be an option in anybody’s life. I am not desperately seeking a large hearted acceptance of me into their lives. I don’t need anybody’s magnanimity being showered on me at any cost. ‘Accept me genuinely or walk out of my life’ is my philosophy. I don’t want anything that is complicated in my relationships, simplicity is what I like and appreciate, in music, art and life. “It is simple to be happy, but it is difficult to be simple”.
With all this on hand, I am struggling day in and out to balance my spirituality and my emotional needs. I know somewhere in my heart that I have now experienced something close to genuine love. The original ecstasy might have begun to fade out already, but I know those few minutes that I had witnessed were true love. And this is the first and last time anything close to this will even happen in my life. I hope not for a curtain to fall soon, but as son as it does, the next thing in my life is only spirituality. My complete surrender to spirituality can wait till then. . . .

the C word

Ok guys! You guessed it wrong... It is not cancer. . It is commitment!!!

Recently I was in my regular expressive and crazy ways trying to express the love I had for some one special in my life. This love was simply “love” without strings attached. In ages, had I ever felt such overflowing love and affection towards anybody after my pet “blacky”, the cutest Labrador on earth died. This was strange. I am a person who sets high standards in everything I do and look for meaning in every small thing that happens in the universe. I realize I had a found a cute companion who could bring joy to my life and be with me when I need him. In any sense I did not want to infuse the jargons of commitment and relationships to this love that had blossomed in me.
But apparently, the person who was on the receiving end of my creative outpour mistook it for a certificate of imprisonment. What was all smiles and smiles till then, turned in to one liners and morose statements. In on of our previous conversations this person had apparently put across a phrase, “I will handle it my way. Don’t worry”. I now knew I was being handled in that way too. But I was left wondering why? Later I found out that the person assumed that I was looking for a relationship and commitment. I laughed my ass over it . . . . . . But later plunged into something! What is with this C word? Why is it so scary?
Probably, it is freedom that we all seek out for not commitment. All relationships should assimilate and spread the joyous message of freedom. It is all rosy and hazy to practically dream of this situation because it is very idealistic and easy. We are all in an illusion of being accepted the way we are...but are not ready to accept others the way they are. We all give lectures on true love crossing beyond norms of existence but frown at even minute changes that we would want to incorporate in our routine. What we need to know is that, there is nothing called perfection! When you sow the seeds of adjustment and harvest it with real love; we experience perfection. That is called love.
In the end … let us gaze at these few lines from the master minded thinker, khalil Gibran!

When love beckons you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep . . .
When his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden within his pinions may wound you. .
When he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams and as the north winds lay waste the garden. For love shall crown you as well as crucify you. Even as he is for your growth as for pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height an cresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself he threshes you to make you naked.
He shifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant: and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for god’s sacred feast.
But if you seek only loves pleasure and loves peace, then it is better that you cover your nakedness and pass out of loves threshing floor.

Love gives naught for it and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed. For love is sufficient unto love. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must have desires, let it be
To melt and be like a running brook that sings in melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness
To be wounded by your own understanding of love, and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.
To rest at the noon hour and meditate at loves ecstasy
To return home at eventide with gratitude:
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips!!!
Cheers to love!!!