Experiencing Love!!!

Well I have had a long life. I may just be 26, but that doesn’t stop from making my life very long. Well for starters, I did not have a very memorable childhood. I had to witness lots of up and downs along with my family. Thanks for my mom who has always been there, and has guided me through my life. She has literally sacrificed everything that was hers for the sake of our future. We couldn’t have been even educated with a minimum high school graduation if not for her hard work. I got to see and understand life from very close and in this journey, the greatest lesson I learnt is that there is nobody for you, and you are alone.
With this, I got addicted to my loneliness. I grew up alone and enjoyed my loneliness. I might have had loads of friends, but all my friends get to see only on side of me. The other is fully invisible, and kept to my confidentiality. I learnt new things about life and blossomed to the world accepting and taking everything that it had to offer. Very early in life I had my own cravings for physical love. It was hard to understand myself and get to know what is happening with me. I could have experimented all that I wanted to, but some corner in my heart stopped me where I am and asked me to look at another direction, spirituality.
Very early in life I was initiated very deeply into spirituality and that changed my life completely. I learnt to look beyond the physical and understand everything at another level. I grew up to feel like a half human, and there was still a very big void in me. I have had crazy ideologies and ways of thinking right from childhood, but I never got an outlet to express all those feelings. I was pretty sure that the world couldn’t understand me. This craving for expression and the void in me brought me to Bangalore. I opened up to Bangalore quite quickly, but never too vulnerably. I did not let the city culture affect my true self. I still preferred being the old original self with which I can myself get in terms with.
Music came as the greatest bliss in my life. It opened up new horizons for me and I started to grow inwardly. The ecstatic blend of expression and spirituality pampered me into my current self. But I still had that void in me, which I perceived to be later as the missing pyramid component in the pyramid psychology concept of hierarchical needs and stuff. This I realized was in general termed as love. I used to read a lot of literature, and listen to as well as watch a lot of art based on love. Subtly from within, a crazy wave had spurred up. My loneliness would sometimes haunt me and I would at times sit alone and think up to eternity on nothing.
A few friends of mine persuaded me to go in search of love. I tried to pursue this with interest for a while, trying to fall and rise with a thousand persons in love. But every time I think of leading into a progression an inner regression would pull me back. A war had broken within my soul between the quest for human love and the quest for true spiritual bliss. I often ended up giving into the spiritual aspect of it.
Humans would end up judging me, would be irritated with me quite soon, and would stale away in my memory sometimes. None of the acquaintances would go beyond a day. I also had my set of set backs. I could never bother to impress anybody, because you can’t do all that drama every day!!! I could never flirt. . Because I was very sure, flirting was never between two people!!! It initiates in two people and spreads its vicious flanges on all others involved with them either consciously or subconsciously. I could never spend time appreciating people physically because I never look at a person through his body. In the long run, in times of despair, diseases, accidents and horrors of life physicality could vanish and escape into invisibility. And I had anyways been deeply routed into spirituality.
I experienced romanticisms in a very unique manner. Reading something wonderful, watching something sensible and doing or experiencing anything related to art, ignited the spark of romance in me. I consider friends as the greatest gift to humanity and I treasure al my friends with greatest respect and love. I express to them unlimitedly and express myself to them till I am tired out. After all, “saying is believing”. None of my true friends have been irritated with me, because they know I am not trying to impress them, but since I am genuine about my expression.
I am child like in my sensibility about love. I will either love somebody genuinely or never bother to be even acquainted with them. I am never going to be an option in anybody’s life. I am not desperately seeking a large hearted acceptance of me into their lives. I don’t need anybody’s magnanimity being showered on me at any cost. ‘Accept me genuinely or walk out of my life’ is my philosophy. I don’t want anything that is complicated in my relationships, simplicity is what I like and appreciate, in music, art and life. “It is simple to be happy, but it is difficult to be simple”.
With all this on hand, I am struggling day in and out to balance my spirituality and my emotional needs. I know somewhere in my heart that I have now experienced something close to genuine love. The original ecstasy might have begun to fade out already, but I know those few minutes that I had witnessed were true love. And this is the first and last time anything close to this will even happen in my life. I hope not for a curtain to fall soon, but as son as it does, the next thing in my life is only spirituality. My complete surrender to spirituality can wait till then. . . .